More than Rubies

If you’ve haven’t read the story of how and why we moved to Texas, go back and do that.

photo from HGTV

When we moved to Texas 6 months ago we were on the lookout for our dream house.  We considered buying a fixer upper… I mean, let’s be honest we considered moving to Waco and having Chip and Jo do a fixer upper for us but I digress… we thought about if we wanted to buy move in ready or if we wanted to buy something that needed work.  There were pros and cons to both obviously, and we were open to whatever came our way.

We had no idea that the fixer upper would be us!

We knew that moving would be hard, but there is no way I could have predicted that God would go full on demo with us.

It started with the kids. They had a really hard time adjusting to the move.  We started our Texas adventure exhausted and sick.  Charlotte got pink eye on our last leg of the drive and by the time we checked into our San Antonio hotel she was full on sick.  A few days later, we got our apartment and then Matthew got it.  His case was especially bad and I had to keep changing our approach in order to kill it.  He was miserable.  To make matters worse, our moving box wasn’t due to arrive for several more days so we only had our pillows and several blankets that were on our road trip.  I had to keep washing everything in between sleep and naps so that we didn’t spread the germs but we only had so much extra linens.  We bought an air mattress for Scott and I but it was terribly uncomfortable so we were all sick and tired and achy.  We didn’t have a couch or a table and my body ached from sitting on the ground while nursing.
Enough became enough for Matthew when he eventually started refusing to sleep.  This kid has always been our little sleep lover.  He is like clock-work when it comes to sleep.  He asks to go to bed.  And suddenly, not only was he refusing but he was rebelling.  He would do anything he could to get out of sleeping.  He would yell and scream at us, he would tell us he hated sleep, he hated this apartment and he would never sleep here.  The anger that possessed him was devastating. It hurt me so bad to see my baby suffering so badly.  We found out sometime during the battle that he was having nightmares.
Charlotte regressed in her potty training.  She was fully potty trained before we left but she began to have accidents when we’re preparing for the move but I had assumed it was mostly because we were so busy we were forgetting to check on her.  She did really great on our road trip but by the time we moved into the apartment she was regularly soiling herself without a care. We tried everything we could think of – encouragement, new panties, charts, stickers, candy, discipline… nothing worked.  She would basically just say she didn’t care.  After a while, we got tired of cleaning up poopy panties and scrubbing pee out of the carpet and resorted to putting her into PullUps full time.

kids eating dinner in our empty house

The stress of the move was not lost on Scott and I.  We basically jumped head first into the ocean without knowing which way the shore was.  We were treading water.  We didn’t know if we had made the right choice and the kids’ behavior was beating us down. We were sleep-deprived. We were lonely.  We could no longer hear God’s voice and the promises we had once heard clearly had quickly become vague mutterings that we were no longer sure of.  I’m sad to say that we lost our tempers, we said words we regretted, we chose punishments we regretted and our desperation won.

We spent every weekend driving from town to town.  Every nap time was in the car, and while it was nice to have a time of forced sleep from the kids, it didn’t give us any respite and we were emotionally exhausted.  I can say, however, that having hours of quiet alone time exploring the beauty of central Texas was refreshing.  We saw a lot of towns we liked, but nothing we loved.  We just weren’t sure where our home was going to be.

small town in Texas, one of our weekend drives

We also tried several churches in different towns to see if one of them would lead us to our new hometown.  This process was exhausting and trying.  We’d often have to get the kids up early and out the door to drive to a far destination.  Keep in mind, this is the first time we were trying family-integrated worship services so we were having to coach the kids on sitting still and listening to sermons.  It was definitely more than we bargained for, especially facing the behavioral issues I’d previously mentioned.  We found one church that we liked in a town only 30 minutes from here and we began looking at homes in that area but it just wasn’t it for us.  We couldn’t put our finger on it, but it just wasn’t the perfect town for us.

We were discouraged and lost.  We kept forgetting what we were looking for, what our goals were, why were we in Texas again?!

After a few months, we decided to head north of Austin again and check out the area we had explored last spring on vacation.  While looking on Zillow, I found a home that I loved.  I told Scott immediately “This is it!”. I loved everything about it.  We drove up that weekend and looked at the house. Because it was last minute, our Realtor wasn’t able to join us and we called the listing agent and viewed the house.  We loved it.  It was perfect.  We discussed putting in an offer, but decided that we wanted to see it one more time before we did.  When we got home and started looking into it, we found out that the property taxes were much too high and it was going to put pressure on our budget.  While we could technically “afford” it, it wasn’t a comfortable place and we ended up letting it go.  We spent several more weekends house hunting in that town, but the more and more we hunted the more discouraged we got.

We finally had one night of looking where I lost it… there was yelling, there was crying…. There might have been cussing.  It was bad.  Scott finally said “Let’s take a break”.  And we took a few weekends off to celebrate Christmas and try to relax.

Throughout the whole thing, I was experiencing symptoms of my anxiety and depression again, some worse than I have before.  The loneliness was getting to me.  I am an extrovert and I very much thrive off of communication, togetherness and hosting things.  We didn’t know anyone and we didn’t go anywhere and all the things I ever did “for me” were packed up (sewing machine, crafting, decorating).  The apartment didn’t give me a space to go when I just couldn’t handle it any more and I was feeling frustrated, angry and claustrophobic.

Just after the new year, we put an offer in on another house that we loved.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was amazing and I really did love it.  One night, Scott was restless and never came to bed.  He told me the next day that the Lord had kept him awake until he was ready to listen and when he listened, he heard that we should not buy this house.  I was so proud of my husband for hearing God, but I was so angry at him for saying no to this house.  We prayed and prayed, Scott for wisdom and me for the house, and we went back to the house just before our option-period ended.  By the time we got there, Scott was sure the answer was no but I was praying for some other revelation.  I wanted the house.  I walked through it room by room, opening every single drawer and cupboard falling more and more in love with all of it.  And at the end of it I stood in the silence and I said “Lord, can I have this house, please can I have this house?”  My heart heard “Can you trust Me? Can you let go of this house and let Me give You what I want to give you?”  Of course, my selfishness said “I just don’t want a tract home Lord…” and I heard “What if what you don’t want is exactly what I want you to have?”

We left the house, called our Realtor and pulled our offer.  And I cried. For days.  I was angry at God, angry at my husband for listening to God (I’m a real gem…) and just plain angry.

In the midst of all of this, I realized that a lot of the outbursts and anger was deep, deeper than just the current circumstances and I made the commitment to forgiving a lot of hurt I was holding onto.  Every morning I sat with God, I prayed and I journaled, I poured out every hurt and I asked God to show me how to forgive.  I have to say, it’s been a long process but it’s been amazing.  While letting go of the hurt, I also camped out on John 15:2

I wrestled with the feeling of being so blessed that God was helping me through it and with the idea that God did not want me to be happy, that He wanted to take away everything that I loved or wanted so that I could only want Him.  This idea scared me, mainly because at this point all I had left (or so I thought) was my kids and my husband and the mere thought of living without them was enough to send me into more anxiety and depression.  I would have sleepless nights worrying about ways I could lose them.  The more I thought about what God had pruned from my life, the more depressed I became.

About the same time we pulled our offer on the second house, we found out Ben was dealing with a health issue – that while minor {he’s okay} – is causing a great amount of anxiety, worry and guilt in my mommy-heart.  We decided to try a diet change and it was extreme.  Scott and I decided it was best for the whole family to participate rather than just Ben and I (for breastmilk).  Taking away foods that we loved was the last straw for me and I decided God wanted me to be miserable.  He wanted me to suffer and to have no joy in things of this world.  Instead of seeking blessing in this, I went into mourning.

If you know me personally or you know my story well enough, you know I have encountered much loss and much hurt in my short life time.  You know I lost my best friend at 17 years old.  You know I lost my house in a fire.  You know I lost my dad recently.  I am no stranger to grief.  I can’t explain how a 6 month stint in an apartment 2000 miles away from everyone we know can compare to the loss I’ve experienced but friends, I tell you it really did.  This was one of the most challenging fires I have ever walked through.

Daily, I have had to put on the armor of God.  Daily, I have had to ask Him to forgive my sin.  Daily, I have to had to ask Him to change my heart.  Daily, I have to remind myself that God is breaking down this house, down to the studs, and then some… He is checking for mold, He is replacing the old plumbing with new plumbing, He is making sure all the wiring is safe.  He is not leaving one part of the house unchecked.  He is about to build something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, and in order to do that, He had to really get in there and do some hard work.

I don’t know what the finished product will look like… we can all hope it’s similar to something Chip and Jo would whip up.
The Gaines’ house- photo from HGTV

I hope the promise is fulfilled in my lifetime. I hope I get to see the end result.  But if not, I pray for my children, my legacy that they would benefit from this, that they would be built on The Rock and that they would stand firm on the Foundation we are laying for them.

And with all that said, we bought a house! It’s not a fixer upper (thank goodness!) but we do plan to put some of our own flair on it.  It’s not the house we set out to find, but it’s the house that God wants us in.  And we are praising Him, because He is good, all the time .

I got an email yesterday from a woman who spoke at a MOPS meeting I was at some time last year.  I remember her speech because I hated it.

She went on and on about how she always gets the house and herself perfect before her husband gets home from work.  She talked about putting on jeans instead of sweatpants, fixing her hair, putting on lipstick. She talked about how her husband didn’t like to see ‘evidence’ that the children lived there so they had to put away all their toys before he came home. She talked about how this is how she showed her husband that she loved him, put him first and respected him.

I love my husband.  I love putting him first.  I love respecting him.  I think all those things are important.

But I sat there that morning, probably in yoga pants, with my newborn baby and my two kids under 4 in childcare downstairs, thinking about the dishes in my sink that had been there for who-knows-how-long, and I thought about the toys that cover my floor all hours of the day, and I thought about the last time I did my hair more than putting in a bobby-pin or two. I thought about how my husband comes home  ready for action, ready to take the kids outside to play, ready to help with dinner.  And I thought “Thank you Jesus that my husband doesn’t require those things of me because I would surely fail and he would be pretty disappointed”.  And if he did require those things of me, the pressure that would consume my life would be unthinkable.

Listen.  I’m not saying she was wrong.  She found something that made her life happier, that made her husband feel loved and respected, that made her home life smooth.  That’s awesome.  But it’s just not going to happen in my house AND my husband doesn’t ask those things of me. Here’s what I realized:
Everyone has their thing.

Her thing, her moment of “when I did this thing, my life ran smoothly” was keeping her house and her self presentable for her husband.

Some people’s thing is eating a special way.

Some people’s thing is exercise.

Some people’s thing is going on vacations without their children.

Some people’s thing is being a home-body {ever met anyone who home births, home schools and works from home? Hi, I’m Jennie…and I never leave my house.}

And sometimes the problem is those people seem to think their way is THE way and then some people {myself} read their blogs or have conversations with them and think “I have to do xyz” in order for my life to work better, in order to be happy, in order to feel my best… and it’s simply not true.

Their thing is not right. Their way is not right.  I’m not saying its wrong.  But it’s not the only way.  I often feel the need to defend myself and my choices to people because I’m a people-pleaser and I like everyone to like me and agree with me.  I realized yesterday that I need to view these ideas and choices with the lens of not everything works for every person.  There are some Biblical concepts that are in stone, YES… I’m not talking about those things.  There are scriptures to support each of the above choices and many more.  Here’s what I’m learning though, and what I want to share with you, go to God.  Don’t read 30 blogs or articles and then make a decision for you life.  Even if the blogs and articles are from the best Christian pastors and authors and moms you know.  The path that God has them on may not be for you.  Trying to be like everyone else is not going to give you peace.   I brought this turmoil to Jesus and I said “Is this what You want for me? Is this drawing me, my kids, my husband to You?”

Here’s my verses that I’m meditating on to help myself remember these principles:
Proverbs 21:2  Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord considers the heart.

Hebrews 12:1 Let us throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles

John 15: 4  Abide in me and I in you.  A branch cannot bear fruit unless it abides in the vine and neither can you, unless you abide in Me. 

Moving to Texas: Part 2 The Planning

If you missed part one of this series, go back and read it first! It will fill you in on the Emotional “how” and this post will walk you through the logistics of planning the big move.

If you know me in real life, you know I am a planner. I love lists.  I love calendars.  I’m always on time.  I love schedules.  I start packing for trips about 2 weeks before we leave, and I start making packing lists at least a month before that! No joke.  So, of course, moving half way across the country was one big epic list making extravaganza.  I had several different lists going and then it hit me! BAM! Notebook.  So I got a three ring binder and some adorable dividers (seriously, I love school supplies!) and made a moving binder.  I wanted to make a cover for it, but it fell to the back burner and now it is housing The Rippey Road Trip Art Gallery, which obviously is way better.

Once we set a date, I took all the remaining weekends and made a big calendar (basically I just printed out the weekend dates with a bunch of space in between for me to write) and I hung it up on the hallway wall.  I also made a blank sheet for “Road Trip” and “Disneyland” (oh wait, did I mention our drive across country started with a week at Disneyland… crazy, much?) and I also hung those on the wall.  I used those to jot down any quick things I thought of that I wanted to bring with us, so I didn’t forget in the rush of things.  We basically gave ourselves 6 weeks before we left and in my opinion that was the perfect amount of time. Right near the end of the six weeks, I was like “I’m ready to go already!” but I wasn’t too rushed either.

Step One: Set a Budget and SAVE

The first thing we did was set a moving budget.  We had 3 options for moving our stuff 1) drive a Uhaul ourselves (which meant Scott driving the Uhaul, and me driving the van with three kids – VETO!) 2) pay a moving company (um, we’re not the Rockerfellers here! VETO!) or 3) do a “POD” which was the most convenient choice.  Honestly,  I didn’t even price out the other options because I decided they weren’t options.  So, if your budget is a big deal, I would suggest looking into those.  Once we decided on a POD, we compared prices and went with Pack Rat.  It was the least expensive, and had the policies to work with what we needed (there was another company who only gave you two days to load it and we wanted more time).  We also got a discount because of the time of year (end of summer).  Pack Rat was affordable, reliable and really convenient.  They dropped a moving container off in our driveway a week before our move date and picked it up.  Then they delivered in San Antonio at the new apartment and picked it up a few days later.  It took longer to get here than we did to get here, so that was a bummer, but we had expected that.  (What we didn’t expect was how hard it was to live without our stuff!!)

The other things we factored into our budget was the driving costs, hotel costs and food costs.  Once we had our budget, we figured out how long it would take us to save that much.  And then we picked our date.

Step Two: Set a Date 

Several things went into picking our date.  One was weather.  We had made our decision to move in May, but I knew I didn’t want to move in the hot hot summer and I also knew I couldn’t do it all in just a few weeks.  We also really wanted to go to Disneyland before we moved and I didn’t want to do that in the summer either (wouldn’t it figure we went during the hottest week any way?! At least it wasn’t crowded!!).  The other thing was Ben’s first birthday and the holidays.  We knew if we stayed for Ben’s birthday in November, then we’d think “may as well stay for Thanksgiving” and then if we were staying for Thanksgiving, we’d say “may as well stay for Christmas” and before we knew it we’d never leave! So, Labor Day it was and as soon as we had a date we were able to really put things into action.

Step Three: Details, Details, Details

With a date and a city, we then picked a place.  We chose to sign a short lease on an apartment while we house hunt (and town hunt).  I wish I could say we used Apartments.com one day and picked a great place… but it was not that easy.  We had a lot of requirements and I’m sad to say that even with as much picking and choosing, we still have things we don’t like!  But we know it’s temporary and we’re putting on our tough faces! Finding a home just based on the internet is not easy but it’s doable.  There are a lot of great search engines and Google Maps (Earth) is a huge help!
We also had to decide what to do with our stuff…. moving is expensive.  So we decided that we would pay for one moving container and that was it! Whatever didn’t fit in it, wasn’t coming.  And let me tell you… it’s not a lot.  We decided that since all of our furniture was either hand me downs or used or cheap… we’d just sell it all and buy new stuff when we bought a house.  This meant a lot of Craigslisting and a lot of living without stuff once we got to Texas.  We also decided to sell our second car (my husband works from home and it’s not big enough for our family, so it wouldn’t need to be replaced right away any way). The rule was “If we don’t love it or use it, it’s not coming!”.  Start deciding what you can live without and start getting rid of it early.
We also started researching health insurance, homeschooling co-ops, churches, how to register our car, etc.  so we would be prepared when we got there.  We checked travel routes.  We looked at the weather charts.  Basically, we got all the answers to the questions people would ask… which leads me to my next point…

Step Four: Tell People

Telling people is the hardest part. We laugh because the question we heard most was “What’s in San Antonio?” and the real answer was “Nothing!”  Think ahead about your reasons, and figure out how to communicate them.  We found that when you say “we wanted to move out of San Diego” to people who live in San Diego, it kind of hurt their feelings.  And then we were back peddling like “Uh… I mean, San Diego is great… its’ just uh … expensive… uh and uh, too sunny…”   The other thing to realize is that some people’s idea of a good reason to move are not the same as others.  That’s okay.  Remember, you are not defending yourself, you are just notifying them.  I found that the people who knew us the best didn’t ask a lot of WHY questions, because they knew why.  They knew our hearts and they knew that this is something we’ve been praying about for years.  I wish I could tell you the best way to answer, but honestly I believe it depends on who you are talking to.  Scott chose to notify his parents and siblings  via email, which may sound calloused, but it was the best way he could get out everything he needed to say without being too emotional about it.  It also gave them time to digest the news before responding with hurt or shock, which was inevitable because of what a HUGE change this is for them.   We gave most people about 6 weeks notice, which was when we nailed the final details down (basically, had all the answers to their questions!)

Step Five: Start Packing 

Packing with three small kids is not an easy task.  However, I got started early, just doing one drawer or cupboard at a time.  I would put garage sale items in one pile (I kept a roll of colored masking tape and a Sharpie next to me to price them as I went), trash in one pile and stuff to pack in one pile.  Anything that I needed to use for the time being went back in the drawer.  I literally would do maybe one or two of these a day, during naps or whenever the kids were occupied.  Before I knew it, I was mostly done! My garage sale was priced and ready and my drawers were empty.  I made a list of thing I wanted to leave out – to pack in the car or to use up until the end.  The stuff that was used up until the end was packed into boxes that would come out first… like my coffee maker.  Oh how I missed by coffee maker…

Moving “saran wrap” (I honestly don’t know what it’s called) is the best.  We have our toys in a cube shelving unit and we just wrapped that baby up, wrapped up the shoe bench (shoes still in it!), wrapped up the dressers (the kids use the plastic Rubbermaid type drawers) and everything just stayed in.  It was really helpful.  Now that I am unpacking in the apartment, I would have better organized my  stuff on what things I want out for the “in between time” and the stuff that could wait until we get into the house because now I’m digging through boxes and putting half unpacked boxes back in the garage.  It’s not the best system.

Step Six: Pray a lot and depend on the Word

There is no easy way to move your family to another state.  There is no easy way to make life changing decisions.  The best advice I can give is to pray a lot and find scriptures that encourage you to stay the course.  Read the Word, pray with your spouse and keep reminding each other of your goals and the promises you’ve received from the Lord.  Scott and I see to be on a teeter-totter (he calls them see-saws so whatever….) this whole time, when I am down, he is up and when I am up, he is down.  But the good thing about that is that we are there to get each other to where we need to be.  

Coming up… part 3 The Emotional One! It’s been HARD. Harder than we thought.  So hard it took me 3 months to write this post because I just couldn’t deal.  But it’s getting better and we are excited to share more of our journey with you (ya’ll!) soon.  Until then, if you are seriously considering a move to another state and you have questions, feel free to post them on Facebook or PM/email me.  We want to share this journey so we can support others! 

As a mom, there is little I want more than to keep my children safe. If I could put them in a little bubble and make sure no one ever hurt them, physically or emotionally, I just might do that.  But we live in a fallen world and the truth is, they might just get hurt.

Of course, as parents, we take responsibility for a lot of the safety.  We always know who are kids are with.  We have our car seats certified and checked. We learn how to buckle them properly.  We always supervise near water.  We chose parks that are fenced in.  We put on bike helmets, every time.  We hold hands while crossing the street.  We put gates over stair cases.  There’s a million little things we do every day to keep them safe.  But there are some things we just don’t have control over, we can do our best, but the best thing may be to remember there’s only so much we can do and to teach our kids how to be safe.

In our house, we have a sign with our safety rules posted on our fridge.  Our kids aren’t old enough to read yet, so it’s there for the adults.  It’s there for Mom and Dad to read and remind the kids, to drill the information into them so they know what to do without a second thought.  It’s also there for other adults who enter our house to see and read, so that any one who is around our kids knows what we are doing and how they can help.

Our rules:
1. Always Check First
“I must get mom or dad’s permission even if it’s with someone I know. If I can’t check, the answer is NO.”
We like to give hypothetical situations when reviewing the rules so I will usually use people my kids know.  Obviously, this rule is because it’s just good to know where you’re kids are, but also to avoid them being kidnapped by a “nice stranger” who wants them to come look at something.  I don’t want to tell my kids that and instill fear in them, so I just tell them it’s important that mommy and daddy always know where they are and who they are with.  I use examples like “What if Uncle asked you to go look at something in his car?” because then they realize it’s not scary, it’s just a nice thing to ask mama first.  It also teaches them that no matter who it is, even if it’s family or a best friend, they have to ask.  I also threw my son a curve ball and said “What if he says he already asked me and I said it was ok?” and my son said “I would say ok!” Ahhh! So now I make sure to remind them that they should say “I still need to check.”

2. No Touching Without Asking
“I always ask before touching others and they should ask before touching me. It’s okay to say “No thank you”.
I really struggled with this one because I want my kids to know boundaries but we are a very physical family and we love hugging, tickling, kissing, etc.  But not all kids like to be touched so I didn’t want them just running up to strange kids and hugging them.  Secondly, my oldest is very affectionate and we have to constantly remind him to not kiss people on the lips or not crawl up on people’s laps.  We remind them that only family gets kisses on the lips.  For any other touching, you need to ask if it’s okay first. “Can I sit on your lap?” “Can I have a hug?”  The other important part of this rule is that they can always say no.  It’s hard to watch an extended family member pressure your toddler for a kiss… sometimes toddlers just don’t want to give kisses and I feel so bad that my child is being rude.  But I firmly believe that we cannot teach kids that in order to be polite they have to comply with requests for kisses or hugs… or any other physical touch.  So I tell my kids “Use your manners” and that means saying “No Thank You” not complying.

3. Privacy is Important 
“No one sees or touches my private areas unless mom or dad say it’s okay. I knock on closed doors. I can ask for privacy.”
Unfortunately, at a young age there are a few exceptions to people seeing your private parts so it’s important that kids know that sometimes it is okay.  We always remind them when we leave that the adult in charge is okay to help with potty breaks or diaper changes.  We remind them to always knock if a door is closed and that they can ask someone to leave if they need privacy to go potty or change clothes.

4. We Don’t Keep Secrets
“No one should ask me to keep secrets.  If someone does, I should tell mom and dad right away.”
When we realized the importance of this rule, it took a while to change some of our vocabulary.  Secrets are fun! There are secret codes and secret birthday gifts and secrets whispered in the ear.  So now we say “surprises”.  The difference is a secret is meant to be kept, a surprise will be told eventually.  It’s also hard because sometimes well meaning people will say “Here! Let’s go have a cookie before dinner… shhhh! Don’t tell your mom!” because that sounds harmless and so fun.  But we want to foster a sense of trust with our kids so they know it’s okay to have fun, it’s okay to have a special treat sometimes but when those words “don’t tell your mom” are mentioned, we want alarm bells to go off! Again, we don’t want to scare our kids by telling them the “real” reason this is wrong, but we use examples like if you are with your friends and they steal some candy and they tell you “don’t tell anyone!” you should always do what’s right and tell an adult.

Clearly, these rules are to protect our children from sexual abuse… there are other benefits of these rules, but their main goal is to protect our children from people who want to harm them.  These people may be strangers, but statistically, it would be someone our children know, and likely trust.  That’s why we don’t teach “stranger danger” or anything like that.  We don’t want them to be afraid or not trust people.  We want to them to be smart, make good choices and trust US.   We have other safety rules in our house - remind us if your buckles aren’t on tight, no getting in the water without an adult with you, stop and look both ways before crossing the street, hold the side of the cart or stroller in the parking lot, no sword fighting people without swords - you get the idea.  But these safety rules are written and reviewed because they aren’t things that happen on a daily basis and we want them to be in their memory, to be a habit.  

And of course, with all things, we cover our children with prayer and ask the Lord to protect them and keep them safe.

You can follow me on Facebook and comment there to join in on conversation about how you keep your kids safe. 

After Ben was born, I experienced another bout of Postpartum Depression and I really had a hard time keeping up with the normal things around the house.  Because I have the most supportive husband ever, he offered to hire a house cleaner.  He even set up a free consultation.

The lady showed up and walked around my house (no, that’s not uncomfortable at all… “Hmm… let me judge how messy you are…”) and explained what they would do.
First they would do the initial cleaning, it was a little more expensive because it was a deep clean.
Then they would come every other week and do the floors, the bathrooms, all those chores that I haven’t even thought of for months.

But then came the kicker.  The house had to be picked up.  They didn’t put away the toys, the random cups every where, the pieces of food left under the sofa… they didn’t do dishes or laundry… and if I left it, they would just clean around it.

I wanted to CRY! All I could think was “Great, now twice a month I have definite pressure to clean my house so that someone can come clean my house? If I could get the laundry and dishes done, and get the stuff put away, I wouldn’t need any help!”

I thought to myself…. I need a nanny. Someone who can help pick up, do light chores, watch the kids so I can shower or put my laundry away or start dinner.  But I don’t want a full time nanny. I don’t want to pay a nanny, I don’t need a babysitter… I just need like… a helper. A Mother’s Helper.

You guys, do you know those exist?! Mother’s Helpers are a thing. So we got one.  And it’s like we hired a Fairy Godmother. She’s an older lady, who was a preschool teacher and a nurse. She comes once a week for 3 hours. She comes at 9am, ready to help.  She looks around.  She greets the kids.  If Charlotte has breakfast on her face, she grabs a wash cloth.  If Matthew is doing a puzzle, she cheers him on.  If I am standing there in my pajamas, with messy hair and holding a wiggly baby, she takes him out of my arms and loves on him.  She helps with dishes.  She makes lunch.  She takes the kids outside to play.  She does homeschool assignments I prepare.  She puts away laundry.  She plays board games.  She vacuums and sweeps and wipes up messes. She gives me a few minutes to shower or clean the bathroom or hang up my clothes.  She gives me a little adult conversation.  And when she leaves at noon, my house is picked up, my kids are ready for their naps and I am relieved.

But do you know what I love best about her? She tells me I’m doing a good job.  She watches me handle a situation with the kids and says “I like the way you handled that” or she sees our memory verses posted and says “Thank you for teaching them that!” When I serve snack, she says “You guys have a great mommy to make you such a great snack!” All day long, she tells me I’m a good mom and she tells what I’m doing right.  And that, friends, is priceless.

I’m sharing this on my blog because I want you all to know there is help! There are people who just love kids and want to help.  Sometimes they are young girls, who want to earn some extra cash (summer time is a great time to look!), college students who need something flexible, or retired grandmas who want to help.  Ask around.  This is an incredible blessing!

Get a little help mama! You are worth it.

I don’t mess around with nap time.

Most people think I’m a little too strict.  Or maybe a lot too strict.  We adhere to our nap schedules on birthdays and Christmas. Even at Disneyland. When the sky is falling and the locusts are invading, we will adhere to nap time.

I freakin’ love nap time.

I didn’t always know I’d be so strict about nap time but my first born does not handle change well and is best when he has a routine.  The kid slept like clockwork.  So when just 15 months later, his little sister came along, I kept her on a similar path and now at ages 4 and 2.5 they are synchronized.  Once baby number 3 came into the picture, I have never been more happy that I enforce a nap time.

A couple months ago, my 4 year old started fighting naps.  So many sources were saying “he’s at the age, it’s time to drop naps” but I just couldn’t give it up! So, I made strict quiet time rules.  You don’t have to nap.  You have to stay in your bed.  You can read or do a work book.  The end.  He usually falls asleep. I also allow my kids to listen to audio books.  But everyone stays in their bed.

I fully believe that my children are happier, better behaved and more self-regulated when they are on a consistent schedule.  We eat at the same times. We sleep at the same times.  Sure, we might go late by 30 minutes or so on occasion but my kids know when nap time is, and they very rarely argue with me.  Those are really great benefits to nap time.  But do you know what else is really great about nap time?

Moms need nap time too.

When I had two kids under 2 (like way under 2!) I found out that with multiple children nap time goes quickly (even when it’s 3 hours!).  Just when you think you have enough time to put away all the laundry AND rest, you get those towels put away and BAM! Kid awake.  So I made a rule for myself.  I don’t do chores during nap time.  I read.  I watch TV. I shower. I blog.  I eat.  I rest.  Sometimes I craft or do a project I want to do, but nap time is MY time.  It’s how I don’t burn out.  It’s how I can be excited when my kids wake up and not exhausted.

So when do I do chores? When my kids are awake! They help or “help” but they don’t think a magic fairy comes in and does the chores.  But that’s a post for another time. The point of this post is my rest (my sanity, my mood, my body) is more important than the chores.  Dishes, laundry, cleaning toilets can all be done with awake kids or by someone else (cue world’s best husband!).  Rest cannot.  And a tired, worn thin, cranky mama is good for no one! Remember “If Mama Ain’t Happy… Ain’t Nobody Happy!”

All this isn’t to say it’s easy.  I have to fight for my nap time schedules.  I have to fight against errands. Against well-meaning grandparents.  Against really fun social events that are always scheduled right in the middle of naps.  Against two year olds.  Against crying babies.  I have to fight for my nap schedule.  But it’s worth every bump and bruise I get along the way.  I work very hard to keep us all on nap schedules.

I sometimes let nap time rules slide and I usually regret it.  But I never regret a long quiet rest time in the middle of an otherwise crazy day!

Since Ben’s birth, I’ve noticed signs of Postpartum Depression and Anxiety like I did after Matthew was born.

In a way, it’s been easier this time because I’m not also dealing with grief and physical pain at the same time. But in another way, it’s been more difficult because I have two other people to take care of.  I can no longer stay in bed for hours and hours.  When I cry, my sensitive sweet big kid sees me and asks me what is wrong.  When I can’t get myself together enough to get out of the house, it’s my children that suffer.  When my anxiety level rises, the baby won’t stop sucking and the two year old won’t listen, it’s the kids who get yelled at.  This is not the mom I want to be. And I fight with all the thoughts, some truth, some lies.  I hear the thoughtless words of others, the stinging words they probably don’t even remember they said.

I can’t do this. I am not a good mom. I’m messing them up. 

I see all the signs around me telling me this is not the mom I want to be.  I want to be the fun mom.  I want to take them to every local event.  Every play date.  Every birthday party.  I want to go to the beach and the pools and the parades.  I want them to experience life.

This morning I was supposed to go to a play date with my moms group, which I’ve been attending as little as possible in the past months.  I really wanted to go.  Matthew has been craving social interaction and I wanted him to see some friends.  But suddenly this morning as I stepped out of the shower, I felt that familiar sensation… my heart tightening.  The butterflies in my stomach.  The lump in my throat. But I pressed on.  I got the kids dressed.  I did Charlotte’s hair.  I filled the water bottles.  I waited for the baby to wake up.  And the feeling did not subside.  I worried about what would happen if I took them… would I cry in public? Would I yell? Would it all be okay and we would have a great time? I worried about what would happen if I didn’t take them.  Would they cry? Would they have bad behavior this afternoon because they’ve been stuck at home all day?

I told them we couldn’t go.  They said, Okay mommy.  They ran into the back yard.  I sat in my recliner with the baby and I nuzzled his face and kissed his little mouth and my heart was calm.  All I could think was MY JOY IS HERE.

Right here, in this house, in this very chair.  My joy is here.  I don’t need to do all. the. things. to be a good mom.  In my house, heck, even in my chair… I can give my infant the milk he needs for life.  I can give his snuggles and love and set him down on his play mat to learn about life.  In this house I can play dress up and do art work and teach my kids to read.  In this house, I can sing praise songs and say prayers.  I can show them how to be compassionate and creative and hilarious.  In this house, I can make memories and treats and forts out of old sheets.  My JOY is HERE.

Being content where I am is going to be huge for me.  I’m a mover.  I’m a doer.

But right now, I need to remember.  I am not a Human Doing.  I AM A HUMAN BEING.  And I am okay with just being right here. Right now.